numbness surrounds me...or is it boredom?

Despite having a thousand and three things...or more...to do, boredom has engulfed me. Unfortunately, this boredom has taken away with it all my motivation and patience to do what I like to do...I still enjoy doing them, just that a huge part of me wants to stone in my bed and wait for the day to end. As much as I dislike social contact, I must say that talking to people can sometimes get rid of all that boredom inside you. Anyway, at least there are still stuff to do like reading science fiction, physics, philosophy, doing math, debating over philosophical issues alone, understanding myself in a rational and scientific way and looking at rotten oranges.

I've always tried to understand myself and why I was placed here which explains why I got interested psychology and philosophy...but the more I try to understand myself, the more difficult it gets. I have come up with some explanation for my actions and why I do what I do and stuff but its complicated...I'm probably doing this due to my huge ego but ah shit...whatever...physics and math are simpler and less confusing.

However, what does all these theories and equations add anything more to this world. From a philosophical perspective, it cannot be proved that the reality that we are experiencing is the reality...its entirely possible that this universe is a dream, a dream that we haven't woken up from...it could also be like in the case of the people living in plato's cave. These people are tied to the ground such that they can only see the dark interior of the cave and nothing else. These people think that the interior of the cave is all there is and there is nothing more to it. Then, one day, someone living in the cave managed to break free and saw everything outside the cave and he came back to the cave to tell the rest that what reality that they perceive is only an illusion and that there is a lot more out there. However, the people didn't believe him and mocked at him.

So, what if, the reality that we experience right now is only an illusion, then, are we wasting our time? I don't really think so. If all these is really an illusion, then, the only way that we are going to know about the real reality is to understand this reality as much as possible. The story also tells us about the harms being ignorant. Everyone of us are ignorant in some sense, some of us are more ignorant than others...but we have to try to be as unignorant as possible. A quote from socrates is that a life lived unexamined is a life worth not living at all. Shit, I'm still recovering from that "thing" and yet, I feel so lonely and at times, depressed. I hope God shows me the right path...I really don't want to think about 8518 but i can't help it...anyway, i hope i'll be able to solve that puzzle. MARCUS, DID YOU REALLY SOLVE IT?...

INFINTY...does it exist?

The employee had to leave the current employer for another employer cuz he gave a better pay. The current employer however, did not want the employee to leave...the employee was the best one around. So the employer sat down and started thinking, he realised that it was better to let the employee go. He realised that the employee's happiness mattered more than the employer's happiness and that by going to a better employer, the employee could make better contributions to society...so he let the employee leave but he was never better after that.

That wasn't random...it's an event of my life in disguise. Anyway, school has ended and i feel much better...em...ehem...fine, what I mean is that since school is over, i can concentrate on math and physics solely...although I still do play computer games. So, in the past week or so, i have learnt a great deal although what i learnt may not be of interest to the average guy walking by strip bar...I mean walking by the road...yes...ehem. Like the physicists these days are so so cool...they are proposing things like multiverses as in many many(billions and trillions) of universe, multi dimensions, supersymmetries, strings and many other awesome stuff. And they arent a bunch of lunatic ideas, there is beautiful mathematics and physical reasoning to back them up as well... I can't wait to become a theoretical physicist...YEAH!!!

Yesterday, or rather today, at around 12.30 - 1.30 am, i thought about the meaning of infinity and I had to stop or I would have killed myself... I started by asking this question: can you divide a number by 0?... I pictured an orange and started divided by half, one eighth, one thousandth and so on... and i realised that you could just keep dividing the orange but say, when you divide the orange by 10 to the power of -500, you would get 10 to the power 500 pieces of orange...then, i thought of string theory, if, we could divide the orange by the size of a string, our answer would be the highest possible, so what do people mean when people talk about dividing a certain number by zero?... is it possible, i mean, zero refers to nothing but does nothing exist? Is it possible to have nothing? NOTHING?... even in a vacuum, matter and anti matter particles are constantly being created and annihilated. So can you divide a number by nothing? Math teachers would say that you would get infinity, but does infinity really exist?

Think of a circle and start dividing it by two, four and so on. You would realise that even if you divided the circle on and on and on, there would be spaces between the lines of the circle and thus you could divide it on and on and on and never stop...so what exactly does infinity mean?, i mean how the hell can you divide the circle on and on and on?... it just does not make sense...so what do people mean by infinity, does it exist?...is there any meaning to an infinite string of numbers?... these thoughts almost killed me yesterday, i mean today...then, i realise...does mathematics have a dead end? is there a point a point in mathematics where the logical structure of mathematics break does and it becomes counter-intuitive?...AARGH...SO STRANGE...I'M GOING CRAZY...like as if emotional problems weren't enough, now i've got intellectual problems on top of the emotional ones...at this rate, i'm predicting an early death for me... I hope that maybe someday, i may be able to solve my problems...Now that i think about it, no wonder i've got almost all the symptoms of Asperger's Syndrome...bloody mental illness...

Quantum Mechanics...

The school is coming to an end...yay...no more early wakie wakie and lots of spare time for me to carry out my "studies". Yes yes...my results kinda sucked but...well...you can't expect to get 6 points by studying only the night before or worse...only studying in the morning on that day itself...So it was kinda alright...at least I didn't fail anything or have a sky rocketing L1R5...just average that's all...Frankly...i'm not worried...i know that to get things on track i'll just have to spend more time studying...maybe 1 week before the exams or 2 weeks...so things are pretty fine...probably...

This year has been a very "revolutionary" year for me...firstly, my opinions got a lot stronger and my views changed a lot as well...I learn't that things aren't always what they seem...in many ways than one... and then, there was that "outburst" of a certain emotion that I shall not elaborate on... and the last change is the one that came hardly a month ago and the one that I treasure a lot right now and I will continue to do so in the future...well...its my love for physics and math...HELL YEAH!!!...I realized that to be a theoretical physicist and to progress the search for the ultimate laws of the universe is my "calling"...I AM SO FRIGGING GLAD THAT THIS CHANGE CAME... my only regret is that it didn't happen earlier...

So lets see...what am I gonna to during this long break?...well there is so much to do that there isn't even enough time for me to go on typing but I shall continue to do so anyway...opportunity cost...well...i'm gonna engulf myself in the world of single-variable calculus (maybe multi-variable as well) and physics...wee...there's so much to do...but so little time...you know what?... IM ALREADY FUCKING 15 YEARS OLD!!!...I DO NOT HAVE MUCH FUCKING TIME ON MY HANDS TO COMPLETE MY FUCKING "STUDIES"...IM GONNA FUCKING DIE IN A COUPLE OF YEARS TIME...SO IM GONNA FUCKING MAKE USE OF WHATEVER FUCKING TIME I HAVE TO UNDERSTANDING THE LAWS OF GOD AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE...SO ALL I WANNA SAY NOW IS HOLY FUCKING SHIT...alright that was enough...now, that reminds me...what the hell is time exactly...if the laws of God didn't exist, THERE WOULD BE NO FUCKING TIME OR SPACE...btw, the laws of God is the same thing as the laws of physics in case you thought otherwise...

Sorry for the vulgar disturbances but well...sorry anyway...I believe that everything is this universe has an answer and I wanna be part of the team of theoretical physicists who are searching for those answers...i may die searching for the answers but not really finding them but... i wanna at least try...giving up without trying is just...well...giving up. That's why i believe that we should keep asking questions...because...all the questions have an answer to them...there may be more than one answer for that specific questions but at the end of the day, all the different answers are actually different perspective of the same answer...so...well...just keep asking and trying to find the answers...

The title of the post is Quantum mechanics...it may sounds unrelated but it is...everything is related...if you know why, remember that your answer is actually part of an even bigger answer...anyway...i hope God will lead me in the right path..."The important thing is to not stop questioning. Curiosity has its own reason for existing." - Albert Einstein (14 March 1879 - 18 April 1955)

STRANGE...

Haha...lets see...where shall i start?...ahah...lets start with the changes...changes?...what changes?...things change all the time anyway...things never stay the same...so you cant jump into the same river twice...wee...thats refreshing...specially if the water was frigging cold...cold?...can we classify something as cold or hot?...like i could say that the weather is hot and say that its hot when i touch boiling water...not exactly the same thing eh?...

Anyway...i am confused...weeks ago i thought i wanted to be psychologist...but now?...i wanna be a theoretical physicist...haha...maybe tomorrow i'ld wanna be a psychotic serial killer...its possible... anything is...physics is a beautiful thing...ITS EVERYWHERE...so mysterious and psychotic...YEAH!!!...like without God, there would be no math...without math, no physics...without physics, no chemistry...without chemistry, no biology...without biology, no humans and other life...without humans, no art...without art, no politics...without politics, no civilization...no civilization, no technology...no technology, no weapons...and so on....its a really long list but i think it probably ends with global apocalypse...

Math is fun (at least i think that way), and physics is more fun...cuz its applied math...wee...I LOVE PHYSICS!!!...it has more impact than the other sciences (thats what i think)...anyway...sometimes i feel like telling this to that NORMAL guy looking at me...Go away...look at your nose or something...never saw a social reject before?...haha...im SOCIALLY RETARTED...WEE...at least you are not...haha...physics is fun...if you admire it...and understand it...REVELATION!...finally i know why i didnt do well for physics...i despised it...but now...I FRIGGING LOVE IT...THANK GOD THERE IS PHYSICS...

So will i turn into a goody goody?...NO...TO BE A PHYSICIST ONE HAS TO BE SKEPTICAL AND REBELLIOUS...you have to challenge what has been a "fact" for centuries...not like those goodies who accept every shit that comes in their way...and mug frigging hard for it for the sake of EXAMS!!!...(no references made to anyone in specific)

There is no "fact"...they are all ideas...ideas that can be changed by anyone who thinks outside the box...like how einstein challenged newtons' ideas that was considered a "fact"...by society...who knows?...maybe there will be someone who will challenge einsteins' ideas one day...the world has to stop following blindly and start thinking...haha...its ok...i suck too...

The universe is so mysterious and beautiful...i hope physics helps understand them...WEE...btw, MARVEL COMICS ROCK!!!...and give yourself a break from the computer at times...i know how stiff your back becomes after staring at the screen for 14 hours...still havent recovered...cant walk properly anymore...haha...

ANNIHILATION!!!...

This is the recovery phase. Any disturbances will cause me to revert to my former self. My new self is under construction...kind of a mix between my two former selfs. Im gonna pounce the world with my beliefs, and to do that, i need to establish my scientific career first. So...in the future, im gonna be in the lab for 16 hours a day, 100 hours a week. I'll have to work frigging hard to publish my papers and then, im gonna show the world how they got brainwashed and how capitalism is destroying the world. I dont give a damn if i get jailed because of that cuz im entitled to my own beliefs and those people cant turn me into another robot doing what they want me to do. I'll fight till the end, for the rights of the people on this earth. They should really remind themselves that they are another member of the human population and they have got no rights to control another human. Come to think of it, the fact that we are given money to do our work really kills any interest present in the work we are doing cuz after you receive a lot of money for something, you'll only want more...and more. So, if money was abolished and people did their work out of their own interest, alot of greed and destruction in this world would go away and the world would be a better to live in. Money's really a piece of metal or paper, its not gonna follow you after you die, so its kinda stupid how some people wanna protect their money so much or wanna have lots of money in their hands. Its really very stupid...very...very.

Today's the first of september and tomorrow's the 64th anniversary of the end of WW2 and today's the 70th anniversary of the start of WW2. Many people thought that world peace would sweep the world and wars would cease to exist...but look at the world now, so many people killing each other. Nations building nuclear weapons, dudes bombing places all over the world. Im telling you, if this continues, the world's gonna go...poof! Anyway, i'll do my bit for the world and die when the time comes...Green Day's pretty cool...14552...

Im not giving this post a title...

Time wraps us all and makes us move through it without us realising it. Can time really be measured? Maybe...maybe not. The measurement of time is after all introduced to us by other humans to increase productivity and manage ourselves in a systematic manner. But could time be a blanket that covers our eyes from seeing what lays before us. So, i wonder, does time exist in the other world? Frankly, i think that the problems we face are pretty simple to unravel but we tent to go about solving it the long way, some of us getting lost eventually, always to have that problem bugging us for the rest of our lives. Just live a math question...just that I've greater ease solving math problems than problems in the real world.

Seems strange doesn't it. Karthik left Singapore 1.5 years ago. Now, it seems that he is greatly wanted in America. People hang out with him, get "turned on" by him and he's got 516 friends in facebook. I mean, WTH! This guy was frigging bullied in sec 1. Few guys liked him, and now, its like people are actually wanting to be with him. Total opposite for me though, people used to hate me but now they hate me more...must be the stuff i've been listening to...It used to bug me but it doesn't anymore. I just wanna stand up for what i believe in and do my research. I pray to God that even if He doesn't want me to be with her, He will let me do my research and be a good guy walking in His path to Heaven. I really wanna experience the other world...i just hope God will let me be a renowned Neuron/Cognitive/Experimental Psychologist even if the other "thing" doesn't work out.

I used to laugh when people said that tears flow from your eyes when you see something extremely beautiful. But now i know. Man, these emotions are frigging tearing me up from within. Books are a lovely companion at times like this, so are computer games. You can get lost in them and forget about everything else. Looks like I'll be needing a lot more books for sometime.14552...YEAH!!!...

119 DAYS LATER...

Lets see...the last time i posted was on the 22nd april 2009 and before that was on the 20th april 2009. Both posts were written after a great change occured in my life...9 and 7 day later respectively...so...i hadnt been posting for a long time...why?...well...there are many reasons and the answer is slightly complicated...mainly because i didnt feel commited to activity and my life went through a major change...hence i was emm...occupied...with other things. But now i have come close to my pre 13-04-09 lifestyle. Although 8518 remains deep inside me, i have chosen to focus on my intellectual development...something that gives me tremendous joy, something close to what 8518 gives. Therefore, since last saturday, i have been reading heavily on topics ranging from philosophy to psychology to particle physics to political science. The last topic is something that i did not really pay close attention to till a guy from sec 4 introduced me to it. Now, i consider myself to be an Anarchist. My views are very liberal and left wing in nature and im proud of that. I mean, seriously, why are we letting people run our lives? This is OUR lives anno one but God and ourselves can tell us what to do. We are NOT a bunch of programmed robots, we are human beings with the highest intellectual capabilities on the planet. All humans are equal so why should another human control us. For Gods sake, The Quran discourages you from doing certain things, God dosent ban you from doing it...because we as humans have the right to choose and we have to face the consequences of our actions. So, if God lets you choose, what bloody right do ordinary humans have to restrict you from doing something. Really, we should spend time thinking about all these instead of blindly following what the "authorities" tells us to do. These are my views, so if you feel offended by them or feel that my opinions are "wrong", feel free to express it...Really, the world will be a better place if people can spend some time thinking about issues like these...im 14552...

Random Shit

note:this story is not about me or any real life person.
In the year 1994, a boy was born in the outskirts of Metroadeeb, Adeeben. Everyone immediately noticed how peculiar his head looked. It was much larger in size and there was also a "hump" on the top of his head. His parents tried desperately to make his head look normal and it soon did.

Years passed by, wars went by and at the age of three, This boy was finally going to be enrolled into school. His intelligence astounted the school officials and he managed to jump grade 1 and 2. In school, he isolated himself from everyone else and always sat alone in class and he was always bullied and mocked at by everyone for his eccentricity. He just could not fit in but however, this didnt affect him much as intellectual persuits were his topmost priority. In his free time, he would pore over books and would often be thinking about them even after reading them. He was way above his classmates and mathematics and physics, often the weakest link of his classmates intrigued him the most. He also developed a passion for music especially rock and heavy metal music for he felt that his emotions were best expressed by these genres. However his eccentricity continued to put him down and he didnt have a single friend to talk to. However, intellectual persuits and music continued to dominate his life and he was totally cut off from the real world and his only "social" life consisted of fantasies playing inside his head. However, he really wanted a companion to whom he could relate.
However, this companion never came and eventually he began to sink into depression and he dug himself even deeper into intellectual persuits and his fantasies became increasingly dark, into things people fear most even breaking the boundaries of fear. Soon, everything started to detoriate and then suddenly everything came to an end...

913 14552 1144 1 1815311 25518!!

So what am i doing now? I do not know... but then, if i do not know, why am i asking myself this question since if i ask the question to myself, its obvious that i know what im doing... right? Anyway, i have confirmed that i am a type 4 as in, im very emo, i try to diffentiate myself from everyone else and my that behaviour appears to be quite eccentric. And i have also found that my wing(the thing that complements your basic type) is a type 5 as in, i am very curious about things around me, i like to create fantasies in my head and im also very inquisitive and all this probably explains my nerdy side. YEAH!!YEAH!!YEAH!! I ROCK!! YEAHHH!! So anyway, I ROCKKK!!YEAHHHH!!............have fun.

I dont know who i am

I am feeling very terrible as if it seems the whole world has collapsed on me. Yet im feeling grateful and thankful and somewhat happy. I am now writing under a new ceiling. I feel that somehow somewhat, i have changed but is this change for the better or for the worse? I do not know. Now i hope everything will be better.

Life is Great NOT

Ahh, what a week! So many things crammed into 7 days.

The Chinese New Year performance was boring. I spent half my time reading up about Einstein's Theory of Relativity. Sometimes, I myself wonder why I'm such a nerd and why I place such high hopes on my academics. Well, the explanation is pretty simple really.

I am a nerd because...i am just like that. I'm not like other kids who like playing sports and are pretty physically-inclined. I'm not like that, I am not physical-inclined at all. In fact, I failed my NAPFA Test since Primary 4 therefore I don't really like sports. So since I like Sciences and History a lot so i spend most of my time researching and reading up about them.

Lastly, why do I have crazy expectations in academics? The reason is because I don't really have any other aptitudes. I have been searching for years and it seems like I have to pin all my hopes on academics. So in a way when my results are average, it's really bad for me because I'm not good at anything else. So World, don't blame Adeeb for being a crazy nutcase and wanting to go to Harvard and getting a noble prize.

The new world

I cant explain this feeling at all. Why do i feel good and bad at the same time? Why do i feel like crying but feel extremely happy seconds later? Insanity has gripped me. This feeling, is it real or just an illusion? What happened to my resolution to get all a1s this year? Why am i losing it all? Am i still myself or have i changed into someone new? Why do i feel so different. Is my limbic system in the process of maturising? I dont know...anything. All i want to do is feel good and be happy but i cant do that...at times. I hope i can trust myself to remain stable and get whats good. This year, im gonna be at the top im gonna show myself and everyone else what i have. Im gonna do it or will i? Insyallah evrything will be good and fine.