Vague...literally...

Hah...so it seems that my giant of an ego is dying. Sorry to injure you but it was necessary. You have to die some day. Sorry that it had been so soon. The 2 years we spent together were great. You were great at first...and I simply loved having you by my side. Soon, however, you began to take advantage of me. I got ruined last year and it was your fault. I shouldn't have let you in with me in the first place. So, rest in peace my love, rest in peace.

Strange how I got so narcissistic. I still am, am I not? I'm talking about myself aren't I? Failures and nightmare moments are important(at least for the fool, which I no doubt am)...they bring across to you the realization that you've thought too much of yourself, that you have viewed others unlike you too one-sidedly, that you've been a God-damn hypocrite when you thought you were the fairest of them all. Ah, I have to talk to myself a lot more. Adeeb, get a grip on yourself! Going stir crazy...normal again...crazy...normal...crazy...normal...

Thats the darn problem with all of us. Looking at the Goddamn surface all the damn time. Are we meant to be like this? I don't thing so...Got to break free...feel the freedom of the open skies...soar above like never before...feel the exhilaration of soaring...up...up...up...up...look at the ground...what you never thought existed exists...your perspective is so frigging novel...everything connecting together...how wonderful...

Distractions are really irritating. Strange though, how something so irritating is so darn enticing.

I have to focus on gaining knowledge and understanding the mind of God. Everything else is secondary...25519 522514 251521 1325 45118, 522514 251521...

The ruling class is fighting against truth and knowledge...we have to do something about it or we're going to vanish...knowledge will vanish...

Conflicts

Hahaha...two people...more conflicts...hahaha...i'm gonna forget it all. Hopefully. God, may the intellectuals and the socialists rise to defeat the evil. ISRAEL IS EVIL!!!...i've had enough adventure...for today...

Tomorrow's a new beginning. Down with the kulaks!...

Execution...

Three blind mice. Three blind mice.

See how they run. See how they run.

They all ran after the farmer's wife,

Who cut off their tails with a carving knife,

Did you ever see such a sight in your life,

As three blind mice?...

Fast Forward...

I'm feeling empty...i feel aimless...without a sense of direction...things are moving forward...shouldn't I do the same?...I feel left behind...I don't feel the same anymore...change isn't always for the better...behind...behind...behind...

Rainy days

Dying Inside...Martian time-slip...flowers for algernon...physics...math...depression...me kidding myself...The problem's too complicated for me to understand...oh...and frequent mood swings...

Pink skies...

I'm spiralling down...yet again...come on damn it...give me a fucking break...no one's fucking perfect...back to emo SF books...

numbness surrounds me...or is it boredom?

Despite having a thousand and three things...or more...to do, boredom has engulfed me. Unfortunately, this boredom has taken away with it all my motivation and patience to do what I like to do...I still enjoy doing them, just that a huge part of me wants to stone in my bed and wait for the day to end. As much as I dislike social contact, I must say that talking to people can sometimes get rid of all that boredom inside you. Anyway, at least there are still stuff to do like reading science fiction, physics, philosophy, doing math, debating over philosophical issues alone, understanding myself in a rational and scientific way and looking at rotten oranges.

I've always tried to understand myself and why I was placed here which explains why I got interested psychology and philosophy...but the more I try to understand myself, the more difficult it gets. I have come up with some explanation for my actions and why I do what I do and stuff but its complicated...I'm probably doing this due to my huge ego but ah shit...whatever...physics and math are simpler and less confusing.

However, what does all these theories and equations add anything more to this world. From a philosophical perspective, it cannot be proved that the reality that we are experiencing is the reality...its entirely possible that this universe is a dream, a dream that we haven't woken up from...it could also be like in the case of the people living in plato's cave. These people are tied to the ground such that they can only see the dark interior of the cave and nothing else. These people think that the interior of the cave is all there is and there is nothing more to it. Then, one day, someone living in the cave managed to break free and saw everything outside the cave and he came back to the cave to tell the rest that what reality that they perceive is only an illusion and that there is a lot more out there. However, the people didn't believe him and mocked at him.

So, what if, the reality that we experience right now is only an illusion, then, are we wasting our time? I don't really think so. If all these is really an illusion, then, the only way that we are going to know about the real reality is to understand this reality as much as possible. The story also tells us about the harms being ignorant. Everyone of us are ignorant in some sense, some of us are more ignorant than others...but we have to try to be as unignorant as possible. A quote from socrates is that a life lived unexamined is a life worth not living at all. Shit, I'm still recovering from that "thing" and yet, I feel so lonely and at times, depressed. I hope God shows me the right path...I really don't want to think about 8518 but i can't help it...anyway, i hope i'll be able to solve that puzzle. MARCUS, DID YOU REALLY SOLVE IT?...

INFINTY...does it exist?

The employee had to leave the current employer for another employer cuz he gave a better pay. The current employer however, did not want the employee to leave...the employee was the best one around. So the employer sat down and started thinking, he realised that it was better to let the employee go. He realised that the employee's happiness mattered more than the employer's happiness and that by going to a better employer, the employee could make better contributions to society...so he let the employee leave but he was never better after that.

That wasn't random...it's an event of my life in disguise. Anyway, school has ended and i feel much better...em...ehem...fine, what I mean is that since school is over, i can concentrate on math and physics solely...although I still do play computer games. So, in the past week or so, i have learnt a great deal although what i learnt may not be of interest to the average guy walking by strip bar...I mean walking by the road...yes...ehem. Like the physicists these days are so so cool...they are proposing things like multiverses as in many many(billions and trillions) of universe, multi dimensions, supersymmetries, strings and many other awesome stuff. And they arent a bunch of lunatic ideas, there is beautiful mathematics and physical reasoning to back them up as well... I can't wait to become a theoretical physicist...YEAH!!!

Yesterday, or rather today, at around 12.30 - 1.30 am, i thought about the meaning of infinity and I had to stop or I would have killed myself... I started by asking this question: can you divide a number by 0?... I pictured an orange and started divided by half, one eighth, one thousandth and so on... and i realised that you could just keep dividing the orange but say, when you divide the orange by 10 to the power of -500, you would get 10 to the power 500 pieces of orange...then, i thought of string theory, if, we could divide the orange by the size of a string, our answer would be the highest possible, so what do people mean when people talk about dividing a certain number by zero?... is it possible, i mean, zero refers to nothing but does nothing exist? Is it possible to have nothing? NOTHING?... even in a vacuum, matter and anti matter particles are constantly being created and annihilated. So can you divide a number by nothing? Math teachers would say that you would get infinity, but does infinity really exist?

Think of a circle and start dividing it by two, four and so on. You would realise that even if you divided the circle on and on and on, there would be spaces between the lines of the circle and thus you could divide it on and on and on and never stop...so what exactly does infinity mean?, i mean how the hell can you divide the circle on and on and on?... it just does not make sense...so what do people mean by infinity, does it exist?...is there any meaning to an infinite string of numbers?... these thoughts almost killed me yesterday, i mean today...then, i realise...does mathematics have a dead end? is there a point a point in mathematics where the logical structure of mathematics break does and it becomes counter-intuitive?...AARGH...SO STRANGE...I'M GOING CRAZY...like as if emotional problems weren't enough, now i've got intellectual problems on top of the emotional ones...at this rate, i'm predicting an early death for me... I hope that maybe someday, i may be able to solve my problems...Now that i think about it, no wonder i've got almost all the symptoms of Asperger's Syndrome...bloody mental illness...

Quantum Mechanics...

The school is coming to an end...yay...no more early wakie wakie and lots of spare time for me to carry out my "studies". Yes yes...my results kinda sucked but...well...you can't expect to get 6 points by studying only the night before or worse...only studying in the morning on that day itself...So it was kinda alright...at least I didn't fail anything or have a sky rocketing L1R5...just average that's all...Frankly...i'm not worried...i know that to get things on track i'll just have to spend more time studying...maybe 1 week before the exams or 2 weeks...so things are pretty fine...probably...

This year has been a very "revolutionary" year for me...firstly, my opinions got a lot stronger and my views changed a lot as well...I learn't that things aren't always what they seem...in many ways than one... and then, there was that "outburst" of a certain emotion that I shall not elaborate on... and the last change is the one that came hardly a month ago and the one that I treasure a lot right now and I will continue to do so in the future...well...its my love for physics and math...HELL YEAH!!!...I realized that to be a theoretical physicist and to progress the search for the ultimate laws of the universe is my "calling"...I AM SO FRIGGING GLAD THAT THIS CHANGE CAME... my only regret is that it didn't happen earlier...

So lets see...what am I gonna to during this long break?...well there is so much to do that there isn't even enough time for me to go on typing but I shall continue to do so anyway...opportunity cost...well...i'm gonna engulf myself in the world of single-variable calculus (maybe multi-variable as well) and physics...wee...there's so much to do...but so little time...you know what?... IM ALREADY FUCKING 15 YEARS OLD!!!...I DO NOT HAVE MUCH FUCKING TIME ON MY HANDS TO COMPLETE MY FUCKING "STUDIES"...IM GONNA FUCKING DIE IN A COUPLE OF YEARS TIME...SO IM GONNA FUCKING MAKE USE OF WHATEVER FUCKING TIME I HAVE TO UNDERSTANDING THE LAWS OF GOD AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE...SO ALL I WANNA SAY NOW IS HOLY FUCKING SHIT...alright that was enough...now, that reminds me...what the hell is time exactly...if the laws of God didn't exist, THERE WOULD BE NO FUCKING TIME OR SPACE...btw, the laws of God is the same thing as the laws of physics in case you thought otherwise...

Sorry for the vulgar disturbances but well...sorry anyway...I believe that everything is this universe has an answer and I wanna be part of the team of theoretical physicists who are searching for those answers...i may die searching for the answers but not really finding them but... i wanna at least try...giving up without trying is just...well...giving up. That's why i believe that we should keep asking questions...because...all the questions have an answer to them...there may be more than one answer for that specific questions but at the end of the day, all the different answers are actually different perspective of the same answer...so...well...just keep asking and trying to find the answers...

The title of the post is Quantum mechanics...it may sounds unrelated but it is...everything is related...if you know why, remember that your answer is actually part of an even bigger answer...anyway...i hope God will lead me in the right path..."The important thing is to not stop questioning. Curiosity has its own reason for existing." - Albert Einstein (14 March 1879 - 18 April 1955)

STRANGE...

Haha...lets see...where shall i start?...ahah...lets start with the changes...changes?...what changes?...things change all the time anyway...things never stay the same...so you cant jump into the same river twice...wee...thats refreshing...specially if the water was frigging cold...cold?...can we classify something as cold or hot?...like i could say that the weather is hot and say that its hot when i touch boiling water...not exactly the same thing eh?...

Anyway...i am confused...weeks ago i thought i wanted to be psychologist...but now?...i wanna be a theoretical physicist...haha...maybe tomorrow i'ld wanna be a psychotic serial killer...its possible... anything is...physics is a beautiful thing...ITS EVERYWHERE...so mysterious and psychotic...YEAH!!!...like without God, there would be no math...without math, no physics...without physics, no chemistry...without chemistry, no biology...without biology, no humans and other life...without humans, no art...without art, no politics...without politics, no civilization...no civilization, no technology...no technology, no weapons...and so on....its a really long list but i think it probably ends with global apocalypse...

Math is fun (at least i think that way), and physics is more fun...cuz its applied math...wee...I LOVE PHYSICS!!!...it has more impact than the other sciences (thats what i think)...anyway...sometimes i feel like telling this to that NORMAL guy looking at me...Go away...look at your nose or something...never saw a social reject before?...haha...im SOCIALLY RETARTED...WEE...at least you are not...haha...physics is fun...if you admire it...and understand it...REVELATION!...finally i know why i didnt do well for physics...i despised it...but now...I FRIGGING LOVE IT...THANK GOD THERE IS PHYSICS...

So will i turn into a goody goody?...NO...TO BE A PHYSICIST ONE HAS TO BE SKEPTICAL AND REBELLIOUS...you have to challenge what has been a "fact" for centuries...not like those goodies who accept every shit that comes in their way...and mug frigging hard for it for the sake of EXAMS!!!...(no references made to anyone in specific)

There is no "fact"...they are all ideas...ideas that can be changed by anyone who thinks outside the box...like how einstein challenged newtons' ideas that was considered a "fact"...by society...who knows?...maybe there will be someone who will challenge einsteins' ideas one day...the world has to stop following blindly and start thinking...haha...its ok...i suck too...

The universe is so mysterious and beautiful...i hope physics helps understand them...WEE...btw, MARVEL COMICS ROCK!!!...and give yourself a break from the computer at times...i know how stiff your back becomes after staring at the screen for 14 hours...still havent recovered...cant walk properly anymore...haha...